Coworker: how do you feel today?
Me: fine... How are you?
Coworker: Dazed and confused.
Is he trying to tell me he's stoned?
Guy on train: I'd fuck you if you didn't have so many tattoos.
Me: *turns up music*
Guy: I said I'd fuck you if you didn't have so many tattoos!
Me: *takes off headphones* Leave. Me. Alone.
Guy: Why the fuck do you have so many tattoos?
Guy: Are you fucking deaf as well as a piece of trash?
Lady by door: Hey. Leave her alone.
Guy: Are you her trash girlfriend? Fucking dykes, all tattooed like fucking men. Disgusting waste of pussy.
Lady: *moves forward, carefully moves jacket so only I can see the badge on her belt* Are you okay?
Me: Fine. Just wish he'd go away.
Lady cop: I can make that happen.
Guy: Oh, yeah, bitch? Who the fuck are you? I'll kill you!
Lady cop: And that's what I was waiting for. *grabs guy, holds him against the door* Harassing women on the train was enough, but you just threatened a cop. You're battin' a thousand tonight.
Entire train: *applauds*
n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.
"I miss dinosaurs."
"Evolution, we’ve talked about this."
"But I miss them.”
"You turned them into birds, remember? It was the best you could do, given the circumstances.”
"It’s not the same."
"I know. I’m sorry."
"Can I at least make these cassowaries 50 feet tall?"
"Come on, you know that size didn’t work out so well before."
"Six feet, then? And over 100 pounds?"
"Yeah, that sounds better."
"And can I put weird prehistoric crests on their heads?"
"I don’t see why not."
"And can they slash people’s throats with their dagger claws?”
"Sure, pal, if that would make you feel better."
"I think it would. Thanks for understanding."
"You got it, evolution. Anytime."
Source: Wikimedia Commons / Bjørn Christian Tørrissen
Chris Pratt worked with Marvel and Children’s Miracle Network Hospital to arrange a special screening of Guardians of the Galaxy for patients, families and staff at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles Wednesday. While the movie played, Pratt snuck out and dressed up as his character, Star-Lord. He spent more than three hours in full costume and handed out movie-themed toys. Pratt also visited patients in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, the Children’s Center for Cancer and Blood Diseases, and the Pediatric ICU, as they were too sick to join the movie screening that afternoon.
Pratt spent extra time with one patient, Dylan Prunty, who is a longtime Lego fan and recognized the actor’s voice from The Lego Movie. They spent about 10 minutes reciting different scenes from the film.